I've been reading a lot of the writings of Anthony de Mello, S.J. over the past couple of years. De Mello is famous for saying/writing things that are hard for us to hear. He admits it. In his wonderful book based on his retreat work de Mello famously says, "You're an ass. I'm an ass. And that's ok." It's a refreshing perspective and really the key to getting through his text. He is not an author for the easily offended. He challenges you each step of the way.
On the website dedicated to his teachings (http://www.demello.org/) de Mello offers "one minute wisdom" that are gentle guides to keep us in the right mindset for getting through the day. One of my favorites is this:
ADULTHOOD To a disciple who was always at his prayers the Master said, When will you stop learning on God and stand on your own two feet? The disciple was astonished. But you are the one who taught us to look on God the Father! When will you learn that a father or mother isn't someone you can lean on but someone who rids you of tendency to lean? – Anthony de Mello, S.J.
Isn't that a great sentiment? A parent is one who rids us of the tendency to lean. How true. I think back to my own family and parents. We were never pressured to be this or study that -- rather we were challenged to find what made us happy and pursue that to its end conclusion. Don't get me wrong we were all encourage to do something after high school and be mindful of grades--but those were more general guidelines.
In light of the upcoming holiday in honor of mothers I'd like to take a quick moment and say thank you to my Mom. I remember in high school Mom encouraged us to be well rounded and try many different activities so we could have a good foundation in a lot of different things. Her theory was simply that we had the rest of our lives to specialize as an artiest, athlete or academic but high school was a good chance to diversify the interest portfolio.
One thing that will always stand out in my mind is that it was common for Mom (and Dad) to ask about our day. No matter how tired, busy, or frustrated they may have been with thier life they always asked my sisters, brothers, and I about our day and what happened at school. And they were genuinely interested. They wanted to know what was going on with us, what bothered us, and what got us excited about life. They even encouraged us to take an interest in each other's lives -- enven encouraging the more extroverted ones (like myself) to learn to be quiet and listen.
Beyond the formal encouragement Mom and Dad both offered us wonderful examples of selfless giving and commitment to serving others. For most of my high school and college career my family (along with a couple of my aunts, uncles, and cousins) provided 24/7 care for my Grammie (a formidable woman in her own right) in her final years. Mom worked 3rd shift full-time at a hospital 60 minutes from home, covered shifts with Grammie, managed a household of 6 kids, and was pregnant with number 7 for 9 of the last 18 months that Grammie was alive. Non-stop.
In addition to the super-human feats of organization and juggling, Mom was also half of a dynamic duo that just celebrated 30 years of marriage last month. THIRTY YEARS. You just don't hear about too many of those kinds of marriages any more. But here they are, my parents, still together and still having fun.
The point I'm trying to make is that my brothers, sisters, and I have been blessed to have great examples and champions in our parents. They genuinely cared about us and each other. No matter what happens we know that we have thier love and support, and that is a tremendous gift. It wasn't until I left home and was serving in AmeriCorps that I learned just how wonderful our home was growing up.
Thanks Mom (and Dad).
Really enjoyed reading this. I am going to have check into de Mello sometime. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteThe excerpt from de Mello reminds me of another S.J. book, A Friendship Like No Other, by William Barry. Here's the part you reminded me of:
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The Image of God as Parent
We are often taught to see God as a parent. Jesus, who called God "Abba" ("dear Father"), said to his followers, "Pray then in this way: / Our Father in heaven" (Matthew 6:9), telling us that we have a similar relationship with God. Many people have been heartened by this image of God as a father or mother and have, through its use, come to a love of God that was impossible when God seemed more forbidding. Usually, however, when preachers and teachers speak of God as Father or Mother, they invoke images of a parent with a child: "God hols us as a mother holds an infant in her arms." "God wants to console and comfort us as a parent cuddles a child." "God welcomes sinners back as a father or mother welcomes a wayward child." "God punishes us the way a good parent does for our good." At times, of course, such images are quite appropriate for an adult. But how does a forty-five-year-old parent of young children who also works a full-time job react to such images? How do you react to them?
I propose that the relationship between an adult child and his or her parent is a better image of the relationship God wants with us as adults. Let's reflect for a moment on adult relationships with parents. As we mature into adulthood, we become more like peers of our parents. Of course, they are always our parents, always "Mom" or "Dad," and we continue to bestow upon them a kind of reverence because they gave us life and raised us. But we no longer expect to be held in their arms, except in extreme circumstances. Nor do we expect them to tell us what to do with our lives, although some parents never seem to lose the desire to tell their children what to do. Rather, we become more like equals as we take on the same adult roles they have had. Now that we know what adulthood entails, we become more sympathetic to them. We realize what they went through to earn a living and rear us through childhood, and especially through our teen years. We may even find that we treat them as good friends, confiding in them without expecting them to shoulder the burdens we know we alone have to carry.
I believe that this kind of relationship between an adult child and his or her parents is more like what God wants with us as we grow into adulthood. In addition, I sense that more adults will find religious preaching and teaching intriguing, challenging, and even exciting if those of us who engage in these ministries begin to use such imagery when speaking of our relationship with God. How do you react to this idea?