5 Stages of Grief, Plus 1

This post is the 2^nd installment of a three part series.  See the 1^st segment here: Dare Mighty Things.  Look for the 3^rd and final segment Standing Up and Living with the Fall Out. 

A young friend recently went through an abrupt and painful breakup.  Knowing my recent relationship history, we spent some time talking about the sense of loss and grief that comes from such a parting of ways.  There really is a kind of mourning that takes place in the wake of a damaged relationship (plutonic, romantic or otherwise). 

In some cases the people involved in the relationship change.  In others true colors come to the surface either over time or in the face of stress.  From time to time there is no single reason at all, and relationships end. 

Often times you miss the other person.  Even if you know (intellectually) that you are better off without XYZ – name the behavior, tendency, addiction, vice, stressor – in your life.  We yearn for the “old days” or the “good times,” even if those days are over or they were never that great in the first place.  We are, after all human and divorce, breakups, and failed friendships signal change, which is sad and scary.  So we grieve.

When dealing with grief many articulate the experience within the context of the Kubler-Ross Model or more commonly, the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.     

I’m no expert in psychology or human development, but I pay attention to people.  From my observation and personal experience the five stages are fairly universal for those who suffer loss.  We also know that the model is cyclical with certain phases repeating.  (I had a hard time getting sucked back to the anger stage.)  Recently, I’ve come to think that there should be a 6^th stage – denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance….and singing! 

Maybe it’s my extroverted nature, tendency to perform, or just my Irish-side flaring up, but sometimes there’s nothing left to do but sing.   Sometimes the songs are sad but a funny/bawdy song can help flush stagnant emotions from the soul just as well.  It’s not about being mean, vengeful, or “getting back” at the ones who hurt us by their parting – rather singing helps us face, accept, and deal with trauma, while jumpstarting the process of letting go.  In other words, singing can help us heal. 

In that richest of traditions of troubadours and tavern singers I close with a song – dedicated to all our Ex-es.  To all those who have chosen the company of others over our specific company – let us celebrate our Jubilation Day.  We’re probably better off anyway.

Steve Martin and the Steep Canyon Rangers

“Jubilation Day” from the album Rare Bird Alert

Check out the rest of the album at http://www.steepcanyon.com

Blue Monday: The Soundtrack of Our Lives

One of the unexpected developments during my two tours in Charleston was a new found love of live music – especially the Blues.   From 2003-2005 I lived in a city with nightlife for the first time in my life.  This was also my first real exposure to live music at every turn.  Charleston is a great city for performers and artists.  Great music is tucked into the nooks and crannies that pepper King, Queen, Market, and High Street.   Cover bands, jazz, rock, reggae, country, and the Blues provided an eclectic soundtrack for my two years in Chuck-town. 

My favorite club, however, was Mama’s Blues Palace on John Street.  The house band Mama & the Misfits was the lovechild of a pair of retired schoolteachers.  Mama and Papa Dupree, their son Jo-Jo, and a group of some of the most talented artists I’ve ever heard blew the roof off that club every weekend.  My friends and I made it a point to check out the show at Mama’s as often as we could. 

It was in that dingy little blues bar on John Street, where we met Del Rae, a jazz singer, piano player, and composer.   Del, who famously hated Stevie Wonder for beating her out for ‘song of the year’ at some point in the late 70’s, was standing the warm up act.  Well into her 80’s by the time we met her, she warmed up the house for an hour every Thursday thru Saturday. 

After her set she’d visit with us early birds and let us buy her a drink.  She was a great old lady.  She was one classy lady (unless you got her talking about Stevie Wonder).  Over the course of our visits, Del taught us that music had to come from the soul, and as long as you had music you could live a long and happy life. 

Mama’s Blues Palace closed in 2004, while I was home for a visit so I missed the last show.  The Misfits broke up, and Mama only rarely played during the last year of my assignment in Charleston.  I am happy to report though, that Mama, Papa Dupree and Jojo are back performing in the clubs of South Carolina under the new name of Mama & The Redemption Band. 

There is an impermanence of life that forces us or allows us to change, adapt and evolve – that’s true in the Blues as well.  No one sings about being blue, always being blue, and staying blue forever.  The Blues are about transitions.  Times were good, now they’re not.  Times are bad, but tomorrow will be better.  I’m suffering, but I have my guitar so it could be worse.   That’s why we come back to the blues, because we are always in transition.   Riding the wild rollercoaster of life, and jamming the entire way.  

Mama and The Redemption Band (formerly Mama & The Misfits)




***NOTE:  I have not had much luck finding any of Del Rae's music (at least not the Del we met).  If anyone is able to point me in the right direction to songs either written or recorded by Del, I would be most grateful.  We have her picture and an autograph -- but I'd like to hear her sing again.  Thanks, NTS.

Blue Monday: Ramble On

This song kicks ass. 

I really was hoping for a much more eloquent opening line.  I tried, but they all seemed flat, and fake.  After several revisions, however, this one just seemed to fit.  It’s honest and exactly what I would say to you if we were talking about music face to face.   Ramble On just simply strikes a chord with me on so many levels. 

For my money, this is Led Zeppelin, at it’s best. 

There is a musical purity that exists with the way this song was constructed and performed.  It reminds me of summer car rides with my dad and brothers with the windows down and the radio up.  Very happy memories.

The lyrics are poetry.

Beyond my utter joy in the Tolkien reference in verse 3, the lyrics possess an epic quality.  They tell a story, a story with which we can all relate – searching, questing, craving freedom. 

Each time I hear this song it speaks to me.

Sometimes our only functional strategy in life is to “ramble on.”  Suffering is not optional, it happens.  The Gollum’s of the world sneak in and sweep away what’s precious.  It’s unfortunate and unavoidable.  This lesson is true if you are 16, 26, or 66.  

All we can do then is follow our hearts and ramble on, singing our song.

Blue Monday, Part I: Soulshine

When I was getting ready to go to college my cousin Steve took me on a road trip to Chicago.  That trip started a tradition of mini-pilgrimages focused on good food and the Blues.  For each subsequent trip a new Blues Mix or Playlist was created specifically to introduce me to a new artist, song, style or writer.  

It was on those trips that caught the Blues. 

Building on this newfound interest, my dad introduced me to Duke Tumatoe & The PowerTrio a local group with a great sound.  Then he shared his collection of Kenny Wayne Shepard, Stevie Ray Vaughn, ZZ Top, Eric Clapton, and B.B. King.   Not all of these are strictly Blues, but Dad helped me to see that they all influence one another.  Seeing this connection helped me deepen my love of the genre.  

Last weekend, Steve and I continued the tradition after a long hiatus, and fell right back into our pattern.   This time, however, I was able to contribute a little more to the conversation as I’ve become a little better versed in the Blues than I was at 18. 

One of the songs, I heard for the first time this weekend was Soulshine, by Warren Haynes (Allman Brothers Band and Gov’t Mule).  This song has it all.  Well written and performed with all of the soul you’d expect from a performer of Haynes’ caliber.   I think that’s what I love about the Blues, the soul.  It’s hard to fake the feelings, the pain, the suffering.  It’s hard to fake the Blues.     

A friend once asked how I could listen to all of that depressing music all the time.  The Blues aren’t really about the dark and the sad.  The Blues talk about on pain and suffering, but often times the song is about survival, making it through the pain and suffering of life.   The Blues are about the hope for better days. 

The Blues are about the power of the soul to shine through the darkness.  It’s about soulshine.  Better than sunshine, better than moonshine, and damn sure better than rain.

"Now you got to let your soul shine,

Just like my daddy used to say.

He used to say soulshine,

It's better than sunshine,

It's better than moonshine,

Damn sure better than rain.

Yeah now people don't mind,

We all get this way sometime,

Got to let your soul shine, shine till the break of day."

~Warren Haynes

Soulshine video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nf0BNlYY_RA