This
post is the 2nd installment of a three part series. See the 1st segment here:
Dare Mighty Things. Look for the 3rd
and final segment Standing Up and Living with the Fall Out.
A young friend recently went through an abrupt and painful
breakup. Knowing my recent
relationship history, we spent some time talking about the sense of loss and grief
that comes from such a parting of ways.
There really is a kind of mourning that takes place in the wake of a
damaged relationship (plutonic, romantic or otherwise).
In some cases the people involved in the relationship change. In others true colors come to the
surface either over time or in the face of stress. From time to time there
is no single reason at all, and relationships end.
Often times you miss the other person. Even if you know
(intellectually) that you are better off without XYZ – name the behavior,
tendency, addiction, vice, stressor – in your life.
We yearn for the “old days” or the “good times,” even if those days are
over or they were never that great in the first place. We are, after all human and divorce, breakups,
and failed friendships signal change, which is sad and scary. So we grieve.
When dealing with grief many articulate the experience
within the context of the Kubler-Ross Model or more commonly, the five stages
of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
I’m no expert in psychology or human development, but I pay
attention to people. From my observation and personal experience the five stages are fairly universal for those who
suffer loss. We also know that the model is cyclical with certain phases repeating. (I had a hard time getting sucked back to the anger stage.) Recently, I’ve come
to think that there should be a 6th stage – denial, anger, bargaining,
depression, acceptance….and singing!
Maybe it’s my extroverted nature, tendency to perform, or
just my Irish-side flaring up, but sometimes there’s nothing left to do but
sing. Sometimes the songs
are sad but a funny/bawdy song can help flush stagnant emotions from
the soul just as well. It’s not about being
mean, vengeful, or “getting back” at the ones who hurt us by their parting –
rather singing helps us face, accept, and deal with trauma, while jumpstarting
the process of letting go. In
other words, singing can help us heal.
In that richest of traditions of troubadours and tavern singers I close
with a song – dedicated to all our Ex-es.
To all those who have chosen the company of others over our specific
company – let us celebrate our Jubilation
Day. We’re probably better off anyway.
Steve Martin and the Steep Canyon Rangers
“Jubilation Day” from the album Rare Bird Alert
Check out the rest of the album at http://www.steepcanyon.com
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